Working Out With Weathereye

As you all know, I am in superb physical condition. I had to stop going to the beach because the sight of my rippling upper body has been known to cause people to faint at the sight of it. “You look like a condom stuffed with walnuts,” one woman said earlier this year. I took that as a compliment.

I just got in from a triathlon — I do them for fun, every morning — and it occurred to me that I should share some of my workout wonder-tips with the rest of you. After all, who wouldn’t want to look like a 40-something guy who spends most of his time in the basement, on the Internet, eating Doritos? Hey, I understand, and it’s okay to be jealous.

Here are some workout tips I have picked up over the years. They have made me the man I am today:

1. Forget going to the gym. Those places are just excuses for people in spandex to sneak a look at you while you’re in the shower. And the machines are tricky to use, and usually sweaty. My local YMCA is all right, but the snack bar serves nothing but juice and salads and healthy sandwiches. A man needs a burger after a good workout, you know?
2. Set yourself up at home. You need a sweatband to go around your head, a pair of shorts, running shoes and a clear area to warm up. Warming up is crucial. Stretch, bend, wave your arms around. You can often go right from warming up to cooling down and it will look like you’ve had a good workout.
3. Crucial to the home workout environment: a television. Place a TV where you can see it. This way you can get caught up on your shows while you catch your breath. Catching your breath is very important and makes up 95 percent of any workout. Just sit still and breathe. This is key.
4. Buy a pair of dumbbells. If you have to wear a short-sleeved shirt and someone you like is coming over, pump the dumbbells as many times as you can. Your arms will get all pumpy for a while and you will look buffilicious.
5. Running long distances is really important. What you do is get your significant other to drop you off at the beginning of the running trail. Bring a bottle of water. Start running. As soon as you’re out of sight, slip into the forest and sit there reading a comic for about an hour. When you’re due to be picked up, pour your water bottle over your head and start breathing heavily. Works every time! What a workout!
6. Carry a water bottle everywhere you go. It’s okay if it has beer or pop in it, as long as it has a gym logo on the side. This indicates you are serious about your fitness.
7. Wear athletic clothing all the time. This allows you to squeeze in a workout wherever you are, and that shit is very comfortable, too.
8. A home gym machine can be really handy, and they’re always for sale on Kijiji and Craigslist, because a lot of losers buy them but never use them. Mine is right here beside me, with that box of comics on it. Every afternoon, I spray it with water so it looks all slippery and sweaty, then I sit on it watching TV. Breathing heavily works in this circumstance. It’s really handy for drying clothes, too.
9. Don’t waste money on those “power bar” things. They cost like three bucks each. You can get the same effect from the two-for-a-dollar candy bars at the back of the grocery store. O Henry is really nutty, and nuts offer the protein you need to be hot like me.
10. Control top nylons aren’t just for women.

Follow some of these tips, and you too can look like a podcaster.