Nonviolent Communication ... Empathy's Language

“Never give them the power to make you submit or rebel.” – Marshall Rosenberg

C.H.A.R.G.E. #026

Last week we talked about empathy and its life-changing potential.  When our needs are understood and our feelings connected with, all is right with the world.  Empathy feels great and when we feel great we are more willing to explore the opportunities for change … namely, behavioral change.  Now that we have a basic understanding of empathy, we can’t continue on without discussing Nonviolent Communication (NVC).  Developed by Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is a way of expressing empathy to others who may or may not be making it easy to know their feelings and needs.  In a sense, it blows out the flame of the other person coming at you.  Put another way, it’s “killing them with kindness” on steroids.  It is a calming, supportive, and peaceful form of communication.

The four steps and distinctions of Nonviolent Communication are:

1. Make observations, not evaluations.  When we evaluate, we exaggerate, generalize, and judge … when we observe, we don’t do any of those things.  An example of an evaluation is, “I ate poorly yesterday.”  Whereas, an observation would be, “I ate several pieces of candy and no vegetables yesterday.”
2. Express feelings, not thoughts.  We often confuse our feelings and thoughts.  When we differentiate between the two we are allowing empathy to do its work.  Examples of confusing the two are:  “I feel supportive.” “I feel that my spouse is critical.” “I feel ugly.”
3. Identify needs, not strategies.  Just like the previous distinction, differentiating between needs and strategies is at the core of expressing empathy.  It is not uncommon to hear someone say, “I need to fill up my car with gas,” “I need to work out today,” or “I need to go to the post office.”  These are all strategies for meeting needs, not needs themselves.
4. Make requests, not demands.  Once you understand another person’s feelings and needs, it’s time to confirm your understanding or to agree to a particular action.  Examples of this type of communication are:  “Would you be willing to write down everything you eat this week?” and “Would you be willing to increase your water intake this week?”  These questions “… respect both the autonomy of the person and the possibility of the moment.”  (WellCoaches Manual, Lesson 6, p. 6, 2006.)

Next week we will take a closer look at feelings and universal needs.  In the meantime, consider how using NVC on a daily basis may affect your relationships, stress level, your effectiveness to communicate, and help others to feel great.  The NVC concept is simple to understand, but fully implementing it as your normal communication style may take a little time. 

C.H.A.R.G.E. Questions:  What actions can you take to improve your communication skills?  Who can you practice the NVC steps on?  Who can you seek empathy from?  Who might you encourage to learn the skills of NVC?

* Information adapted from WellCoaches Manual, Lesson 6, 2006.

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