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(Editor’s Note: I saved a draft of bullet point notes on Day 19, but I’m flushing them out on Day 20.)
(Note to self: Just write them next time, this is too much work.)
Okay, so first thing I need to write about is about what happened with Hubby on Day 18, when I came back home. I’m going to give it to you fast and dirty, and unapologetic. I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve had to be very humble…there are always two sides to every story, and though I sometimes wish that weren’t true, it is. What can I do about that? I mean, really?
Hubby’s Original Perspective: He didn’t miss me. He felt a lot calmer, better in fact. He doesn’t see that I contribute anything to the relationship, and a divorce is just fine with him.
My Rebuttal: We have a lot going for us, I’ll divorce you if that’s what needs to happen, but let’s make sure we’ve tried everything else first. I’ve felt the same way; that it was easier without you. And I had fantasies about being single, and empowered. But let me give you my vision of our future life together, and see if it’s something you want? (I describe an emotionally supportive, mutually beneficial life where our priorities are one another, not superficial garbage.) Hubby agrees that’s a great vision.
Hubby’s Rebuttal: That vision is NOT where our life is headed. In fact, he wonders if it can ever go that direction. He carries me financially, and he didn’t sign up for that. I act like a kid, and he picks up all the slack. I complain, I feel entitled, I demand, I am a pain in the ass.
My Rebuttal: You’re right.
His Rebuttal: I am?
My Rebuttal: Yup. You’re right. I’ve been blogging about coming into my own, being independent, and if you read my blog, I’m talking more and more about how it’s not fair to expect a paragon of support from you when you’re so burdened down by my faults. I expect you to take the brunt of almost everything throws at us, and to be tougher. That’s what you’ve always done. And that’s what I always assumed you’d do…but it didn’t occur to me how resentful you were about that. I don’t want you to feel that way!
And it’s so difficult for me to know that’s how you’re feeling because you never share your feelings, you just bottle them up. That’s what I was talking about when I said that being the strong, silent rock was what attracted me to you, but at the same time, those same qualities are lso working against you now.
What I learned & what happened: I took responsibility for really causing Hubby a great deal of anxiety, making him feel abandoned with all of the stress of the world on his back, and putting him in the position to constantly protect me from the harsher realities of life. But I’m done using him like a shield from life. In return, he’s going to try to be nicer, and to appreciate what I DO bring to the relationship.
The conversation wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t a Hallmark card…but we’ve agreed to give it one more shot, now that we really have nothing else to lose. And you know what? I’m glad.
It’s going to be so difficult to really grow up, and produce an earning, and to understand that taking care of me really is his way of showing affection, and also is something that I’ve always taken for granted.
But it’s going to be equally difficult for him to get out of his negative head space, and open up, and adjust his personality for those of us who constantly want validation from someone who’s never been in the habit of giving it.
We’ll see where this goes…and if all else fails, fine: divorce. I’m not scared of divorce, I’m only scared of missing the lesson that is in this situation. Every bad situation has a lesson to be learned, and my job isn’t to stick to my own perspective and beat others into seeing thigns my way. My job is to say “Where have I been wrong and how can I improve?” If I don’t look for the lessons, I’ll only repeat my mistakes again.
I accept full responsibility for how I’ve come across to him. I need to grow more. (So does he, but my responisbility is to take my own inventory, not his.) In any case, it’s kind of a relief that some of this situation is my fault. If it’s my fault, I can affect it, I can change it, and I can make it better. By being my fault, it actually improves the situation. I said to Hubby, “What say you give me another chance? You’ve given me 50 chances or so before, why not one more? Especially when this time there’s actually a chance that it’s going to work?”
Oh, and the make up sex was fun! But speaking of make up sex, I’m glad this happened now instead of 2 weeks ago, because my cardio is much better, and all that plank position stuff really comes in handy when you can hold up your own body weight! Oh, and reduced fat increases your testosterone! I’m just beginning to get some sex drive back! (Which really helped!)
So, I’m going to be writing up some solid things that I need from him and asking him for solid things that needs from me. With concrete actions explained and expected, evaluating if we are improving won’t be emotional or vague. It will be a “check yes or no” kind of thing. Once again, we’ll see how it goes. Wish us luck.
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I dillian #2 this morning…only one more day to go until Jillian #3! Today went fine…although my knee is really bothering me. I ended up not doing my cardio today…I’ll do an hour tomorrow!
I spent a lot of time at my new massage office. I brought a friend along who laid on the table, and we tried a bunch of different furniture arrangements, and finally found the whole room set up that works the best. =) My next door neighbor was there again: She’s still a bitch.
And can I say that this whole “working in a professional office instead of my home studio” thing makes me feel really guilty over the time I’m not spending with my doggies? I trust that life and work will balance out? How do new mothers go back to work? It’s insane!
Well, my office is all ready, but I haven’t got any calls yet. I mean, my new ad has been out for a whole day…come on people!
I have decided that I’m going to go around to the local businesses within a 10 block radius and hand out flyers and coupons for massages. Wee. That should help with business. Also when I give the magazine those coupons for trade, that should bring some clients in too! Oh, and Hubby reminded me that the SD Gay Wrestling league is gonna have their tournament this weekend. That always gives me a few bucks, and it’ll be good advertising.
Valentines Day on Sunday….damnit.
J.
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